Funny Quotes

Never trust a man who can dance.

- E. L. James, Fifty Shades of Grey

Politics and prostitution have to be the only jobs where inexperience is considered a virtue.

- Tina Fey, Bossypants

He was a bold man that first ate an oyster.

- Jonathan Swift

Books are a poor substitute for female companionship, but they are easier to find.

- Patrick Rothfuss, The Wise Man's Fear

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

- Albert Einstein

Light travels faster than sound, that's why people appear bright until you hear them speak

- Albert Einstein

Peeing is like a good book in that it is very, very hard to stop once you start.

- John Green, Paper Towns

Second place is a nice title for the first loser.

- Sarah J. Maas, Throne of Glass

If a lighthouse looks like it's in a different place, it's not the lighthouse that's moved.

- M. L. Stedman, The Light Between Oceans

Victorious and dead is a poor sort of victory.

- M. L. Stedman, The Light Between Oceans

Be careful of love. It'll twist your brain around and leave you thinking up is down and right is wrong.

- Rick Riordan, The Battle of the Labyrinth

When life gives you lemons, make sure you know whose eyes you need to squeeze them in.

- Colleen Hoover, Ugly Love

Life happens. Shit happens. And it happens a lot. To a lot of people.

- Colleen Hoover, Slammed

I'm so hard right now my dick can cut diamonds.

- Charles Henderson, Terminal Impact

If there's an opposite of a honeymoon, it's the week after a couple's first child is born.

- Brian K. Vaughan, Saga

Life is a disease: sexually transmitted, and invariably fatal.

- Neil Gaiman

There is no class of people in the world, who have such good memories as creditors.

- P. T. Barnum, The Art of Money Getting

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

- Albert Einstein